


toss your dirty shoes

by DragonEyez



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ephrim's canonically missing hand, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Secret Samol, Secret Samol 2020, Throndir's ugly coffee mug, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:42:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29393565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonEyez/pseuds/DragonEyez
Summary: Throndir leaned over and plucked the mug out from in front of Ephrim. “No thanks. So are you gonna tell me what’s going on now or…?”Briefly, Ephrim debated just slamming his head in a cabinet door until he was unconscious and simply avoiding the whole mess.“I need you to be my boyfriend.”The sound of Throndir choking on his coffee startled him, and he reached over to slap him on the back. Kodiak barreled into the the kitchen, similarly concerned. Throndir waved them both off. “‘m fine. Eph, I need a little more elaboration. That’s a really weird way to ask someone out.”
Relationships: Ephrim/Throndir (Friends at the Table)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	toss your dirty shoes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pewterbee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pewterbee/gifts).



> title from [washing machine heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vjkh-acmTE) by mitski
> 
> yes this is incredibly late yes i am hiding and shoving this into the void in 2 parts, the second chapter will be up soon but i didn't want to keep hoarding this
> 
> hope you enjoy this buddy

Cold wind flooded his apartment as the front door was suddenly flung open, and in that moment Ephrim had never regretted giving someone else a spare key more. A shaggy mountain ran over to the couch to greet hum, and the mountain’s owner grinned sheepishly while he shucked off his outwear. 

“Yes, hello, Kodiak.” Ephrim was muffled by the dog’s shoulder? Chest? Head? as he was excitedly sniffed to death. “I missed you too. Please be careful of the wine.” He struggled to set the glass on the coffee table and away from the danger zone. 

“Kodiak, heel.” Finally free of winter gear, Throndir walked over and collapsed on the couch by Ephrim’s feet. The dog sat at the same time, settling for resting his head in Ephrim’s lap and looking up pitifully, silently begging for pets. “Sorry I’m late, I came as soon as I saw your text.”

That made him raise an eyebrow, hand aimlessly scratching behind Kodiak’s ears. “The text I sent last night?”

He watched as Throndir sheepishly rubbed at the back of his nick, forgetting that the hair he used to nervously tug at wasn’t there anymore. Ephrim tracked the way he defaulted to instead rubbing at the fuzz of the undercut instead. “Well, my phone was dead, and then I went over to Red Jack’s to swim with him and the kids and charged it there-”

“I’m sorry-” Ephrim interrupted. “You went swimming in the middle of winter? _Swimming_?”

“Uh yeah? Red Jack put in a heated pool over the summer, it was fine. Besides, the cold is good for you. Keeps your body healthy. I used to swim in the ocean when I was a kid too it’s _normal_. You should try it.”

Ephrim waved his sleeved stump at the man. “I already have a hard enough time with the cold, I’m really good. Anyways, so you saw my text.”

“Yeah and honestly I was a little confused? And concerned. You can’t just text ‘sun emoji SOS’ with no context dude.”

“It was meant to be a conversation starter, I didn’t realize it would be, like, eighteen hours before you saw it. By the way, can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Water? Wine?”

“Yeah, I’ll take some coffee if you’ve got some already made.”

“If I’ve got some-” he scoffed. “Please, it’s like you don’t even know me. Of course I have coffee ready for you. Let me just-”

“Kodiak up.”

“Thank you. Anything else I can get you?”

“Yeah, an explanation. Here, I’ll come with you.”

“Ugggghhhhhh, I _guess_. Come on, your [mug's](https://images.app.goo.gl/vu1vyiGGdjxwdHQh9) clean.”

It wasn’t that he was _avoiding_ the topic but...he was. It was awkward. And time sensitive. So, he decided it was time to do the sensible thing and pulled down the yellow monstrosity in his cabinet.

“You know, I’m always surprised that you haven’t tossed that thing yet.” Throndir was leaned back against the countertop, tracking Ephrim’s movements. “You hate it.”

“Yes, but you love it, so the spotted beast stays. Cream?”

Throndir leaned over and plucked the mug out from in front of Ephrim. “No thanks. So are you gonna tell me what’s going on now or…?”

Briefly, Ephrim debated just slamming his head in a cabinet door until he was unconscious and simply avoiding the whole mess. 

“I need you to be my boyfriend.”

The sound of Throndir choking on his coffee startled him, and he reached over to slap him on the back. Kodiak barreled into the the kitchen, similarly concerned. Throndir waved them both off. “‘m fine. Eph, I need a little more elaboration. That’s a really weird way to ask someone out.”

Ephrim felt the hot flush of embarrassment creeping up his neck and face. “No it’s- it’t not like that.”

There was a flutter of emotion that passed over the other man’s face, too quickly for him to read, and then it was masked with confusion. Then what _is_ it like?”

With a deep sigh, Ephrim ran his hand down his face. “There’s this big corporate dinner that I have to bring a plus on to, and Samothes was trying to set me up with his sun, and I may have panicked and told him I have a boyfriend. I’m so sorry please don't feel like you have to help me. You were the first person I thought to ask.”

“Really?”

Now it was _his_ turn to look confused. “To which part?”

“Was I really your first choice?”

All he could do was blink at this friend in complete bewilderment. What kind of a question was that? “Who else would it have been?”

“I dunno, we’ve got a lot of friends.” And there it was: the awkward hair pulling again. “I’m just surprised is all. I mean, there’s Hadrian, Fero, Lem, Fantasmo, Red Jack, uhhhh-”

“Let me stop you right there.” He ticked names off on his fingers. “Married, publicly, and my coworker. Fero and any sort of company event? No. Never. Lem is a mess and would absolutely let something slip, also has a ‘thing’ with Fero and Emmanuel. Fantasmo is best friends with Samothes’ husband, no way would that work. Red Jack and Samothes are old friends, no go there too. Not to mention the fact that, out of everyone I know, you are the _only_ person I trust to keep a complete secret I trust to keep a complete secret. _And_ I let you keep that godawful dog mug in my house. Of course you were my first choice, no question.”

“Huh/ Well then. Yeah, okay, I can be your fake boyfriend. When’s the dinner?”

Ephrim winced. “Three days from now?”

“Three. Three days. Okay. Whew. Okay. I can do that. I don’t have any formalwear though, you know that right?”

“Oh don’t worry about that, I can take care of that no problem.”

“And I can bring Kodiak right?”

“Of course you can, he’s a service animal. It’d be illegal not to allow him. And you know if they even tried to say he couldn’t come I’d pitch the world’s biggest fit. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Except the suit.”

“Except the suid.”

“Well then. I’d be honored to be your fake boyfriend. I don’t know how we seal the deal on this. Should we shake on it?”

Ephrim laughed. It felt like a massive weight had been lifted off his shoulders. “How about I take you out to lunch, we talk terms and conditions, and we get you fitted for the suit.”

“Hold on hold on. I can’t just let you pay for all this!” Kodiak laid down on the kitchen floor finally, still leaning against Throndir’s legs now that the apparent danger was over, and Ephrim gently pushed Throndir’s coffee back towards him. The man downed it, looking suddenly much more nervous than before, though it was what Ephrim had been expecting all along so. That he could deal with. 

“Look, you’re doing _me_ a massive favor. You are saving my life right now. I do _not_ want to spend more time than absolutely necessary with Maelgwyn. Let me pay you back. _I_ owe _you_.”

“I don’t-”

“I also haven’t eaten yet today and I know you haven’t eaten since breakfast. Come on.” He brushed his hair out of his face and batted his eyelashes, knowing it would make Throndir cave. 5...4...3...2…

“Ugh alright fine. But _only_ because you need to eat something. But I’m covering my own part of the bill. You’re a menace.”

Ephrim rolled his eyes. “Fine. Let me go get dressed and then we can go.”

“Aren’t you already dressed?”

“Throndir. Please. These are my lounging at home clothes. These aren’t ‘going out’ clothes..”

“Your idea of lounging clothes is a button down and jeans?”

Ephrim wasn’t even going to dignify that with a response.

\---

After Ephrim dragged Throndir to his favorite local shop, it was far too late that he realized he should’ve been preventing Throndir from looking at the price tags. 

“Don’t swear when you see the prices.” He hissed out the corner of his mouth. 

Equally quiet, Throndir replied, “There’s no way I’m letting you spend that much money on _me_.”

“Too late, I already decided I was going to. You might be the only person in the world who would object to being a sugar baby.”

“We’re friends, I can’t just-”

“Well hello there!” One of the employees, a friendly looking woman with a shock of purple hair, popped up and cut off whatever protest Throndir was preparing. “Are you two waiting for a fitting room? Just browsing? Need some help?” The nametag on her blazer read _Tender_.

“Hi!” Ephrim turned on the charm. “Nice to meet you Tender. Yes, we’re here to get a suit for my boyfriend. There’s an event coming up soon and we figured we might as well go all out. Any suggestions? I feel like you may have a great eye for this sort of thing.”

Her eyes bounced between the pair of them, thoughtful. “Is this your first time getting fitted?”

“Yeah. First in a while, anyways.” 

She looked very sympathetic. “That’s okay! No need to be nervous. I promise I don’t bite. Well, at least I won’t bite you.” She laughed, and Throndir cracked a smile. 

And so Tender led them around the store, listing the benefits of various cuts, holding color swatches up to Throndir and either shaking her head or humming thoughtfully before moving on to the next. 

“And what about you? Do you already have a suit?” It took a moment for Ephrim to realize she was talking to him. 

“Yes. It’s a deep maroon, black and gold accents on the buttons and cufflinks. Does that help?”

“Maybe. Were you thinking about coordinating your outfits? Or just something plain for this absolute looker? Understated can be so powerful, especially these days. I’m personally attached to the flashier styles, but not everyone’s like that. What are we thinking?”

Ephrim tapped a finger on his chin, looking thoughtfully at Throndir. There were a lot of colors that would pop for him, but coordinating with his suit? “Here, can I see the swatches?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah here.” Throndir still looked a little overwhelmed, and Ephrim made a point to squeeze his fingers in reassurance as the man placed the cloth into his hand. Yellow? No, they’d look like ketchup and mustard. Green? No, too Christmas-y. Black was always a classic, but boring. Throndir deserved better than something so plain. The last option was a deep royal blue. Hmm. 

“How do you feel about blue, Throndir?”

“You’re asking me?”

“You’re the one wearing it aren’t you?”

“I- I mean I guess I am. Uh, it’s nice. Will it match though?”

Tender plucked the swatch from Ephrim’s hand and looked at it thoughtfully. “With some silver accents? This will absolutely work, and it’ll look _good_. A little day and night theme for the happy couple. Here, come with me hun and I’ll get you set up in a fitting room and take your measurements.” 

Throndir shot Ephrim a concerned look, but he simply shooed the man onwards. “I’ll be right behind you, don’t worry it’s fine. Just gonna look for a tie real quick.”

“Tie?!”

Leaving Tender and Kodiak to herd Throndir to the back of the store, Ephrim hurried to the glass counter off to the side and scanned through the cufflinks. There were so many, but narrowing the selection down to silver and waving off the gaudy ones helped narrow the search by a margin. Most were incredibly boring, cross shapes or rectangles with no real draw. But there, in the back of the case, half hidden in the shadow, was what he was looking [for](https://www.policeauctionscanada.com/Listing/Details/42973871/Intricate-SilverTone-Cufflinks-223345F). He flagged down an employee and asked to see them closer. They were tiny. Slightly tarnished. Little acorns half hidden under delicate leaves. If these didn’t fit the man, he didn’t know what would. Quickly, he paid for them and slipped the box into the inner pocket of his coat. On the way back to join the others, he picked up a basic tie to cover for his delay.

“Hey Throndir? I got the t-” His voice trailed off as he rounded the corner. There, stood upon on the riser, was Throndir, silhouette cut sharp by the suit. Muscles and curves usually obscured by bulky ranger gear or lounging clothes were suddenly made entirely obvious. His _hair_ was _down_. Ephrim felt like his eyes were going to fall out of his head if he kept staring. 

“Oh hey Ephrim, you’re back!” Throndir started to turn, but Tender put a hand up to catch him by the elbow briefly before returning to her work. (“If you don’t want to get stabbed you need to stay _still_.”)

“Y-” Ephrim cleared his throat. “Yeah I went and grabbed this for you, thought it might match, and even if it doesn’t, helps to have a placeholder. Here you are.” He thrust the tie in his direction. 

Throndir huffed out a breath, then a self deprecating laugh. “So I actually don’t know? How to tie one of these? Never had to before, I usually just wear a clip-on when the occasion calls for it.”

Tender and Ephrim made matching noises of disappointment. “That’s okay, I can definitely help you with that-” He trailed off as Tender gently elbowed him off to the side to grab the back of Throndir’s jacket. 

“Sorry, just need this last spot. Don’t mind me.”

“No, it’s okay! Sorry to be underfoot.”

“Alright, let me just…” She slipped a final pin in and clipped it closed. “And done! Throndir, you can take those off now and leave them hung over the door for me. Be careful of the pins though!”

“Sure thing. Uh, be right back I guess.”

With Throndir in the changing room, Tender hit Ephrim with a sly smile. “I do good work, huh? I saw that look, loverboy.” 

Ephrim smiled back at her. “He looks fantastic. Can’t wait to see the finished product. By the way, this is going to have to be a rush job, I’m afraid.”

“A rush job?” She frowned. “How rushed are we talking?” 

He bit his lip before admitting “Two days.”

“Two days.”

“...I know, I know. I’ll pay extra, I know it’s a tall order.” 

“A tall order is someone wanting a suit after one fitting. This is a venti order. Trenta, even.” Tender pinched the bridge of her nose. “Okay, two days? You got it. You’re lucky your boyfriend’s cute and you look like a sap with him.” 

“Thank you so much Tender I owe you. So much.”

“Hey Eph, you ready to get lunch? I’m starving.” A warm hand landed lightly on the small of Ephrim’s back, and he unthinkingly leaned into the touch. Some small traitorous part of his mind thought about how nice it would be for this to be real. 

“Yeah. I could eat.”

\---

“So what kind of limits are we looking at here?” Throndir asked around a mouthful of food.

Ephrim raised an eyebrow. “I feel like I should be the one asking you that. WHat levels of PDA are you comfortable with?”

He watched the man take a vicious bite of his burger. What was going on inside his head? Second thoughts? Discomfort? He wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to back out. A loud “okay” startled him from that train of thought.

“Okay?”

“So, if I’m right, here’s what’s usually on the table for couples: Hugging, holding hands, being in each other’s personal space,” a faint blush showed on his cheeks. “And kissing.”

“That’s the usual, yes. Are any of those hard lines for you?”

“Uhhhh. No? Not really? What about pet names?”

A vivid image of Throndir calling him something like “babe,” and then he quickly pushed it away. There would be plenty of time to examine _that_ later. For the moment, he settled on a simple, “Pet names are fine with me.”

“Cool. Great. Awesome. Good to know.” 

A lull in the conversation fell. Ephrim was suddenly gripped by the concern that he did or said something wrong. A litany of “what-ifs” raced through his mind. He wanted to say something, Anything to break the silence. But it was Throndir’s turn to speak. So he bit his tongue and sat there. From his position on the floor, Kodiak looked up at him and made a huffing sound, as if he could read Ephrim’s mind.d He was being judged by a dog now. Wordlessly, he spun his plate around so Throndir could have the onions he’d picked of his burger, and Throndir smiled, mirroring the action so Ephrim could have the pickles off his. It was effortless, a move formed from years of habit and learning each other.

“So...sweetheart.”  
He froze in place, fork hovering before his mouth. Suddenly he was bluescreening. The end was nigh. Death came in the form of a beefcake wilderness expert. 

It took all his strength, but Ephrim regained his composure. “Yeah that's...definitely one you could use.”

“You alright? Seemed like you kind of spaced out there. Do you need to go back home early?”

“I’m fine, don’t worry. Just lost my train of thought is all.” As he was talking, though, the waves of exhaustion began to hit him. “What about you though, how are you feeling?”

He wobbled his hand. “I could take it or leave it. Let me finish eating and we’ll see. What’s our story though?”

“Story?”

“Yeah. Like our getting together story. How we met and started dating? We should have some sort of story in case anyone asks.”

“We’re having dinner with my boss, not going into deep cover. Why would we need a story? I was just going to go with ‘long time friends realize they’d fallen in love with each other’ and keep it short and simple.”

“I mean sure if you want to be boring about it.”

“What would _you_ like it to be then?” 

“I saved your life protecting you from a bear in the woods in college and you swooned in my arms. When you woke up, you were madly in love with me. We’ve had a torrid on-again-off-again relationship for years, because I’m constantly torn between my love for you and my love for my job.”

“Mmm. Well.” Ephrim set his fork down and picked up his tray. “I think I’m actually ready to go home after all, Ranger Rick. Maybe you can save me from a raging moose on the way to the parking garage.”

“You laugh, but you’re just mad mine had more intrigue. Drama, passion, pizzazz. My story has it all. Drama. Romance. Tension. A bear.”

“Two bears.”

“What? No there’s only one.”  
“One bear, an animal. One bear, you.”

“Oh fuck _off_.” 

They both doubled over laughing, and the box in Ephrim’s pocket pushed against his ribs.

\---

Samothes dropped by his desk, trying to act casual in the way that bosses try to act like a peer but still want to make sure that you know they’re in charge. With a long internal sigh, Ephrim locked his screen and turned around. 

“Oh hey there, is there something you needed from me? I’m still working on sending those reports your way, should be done in a couple hours.”

“No, it’s not the reports, though I appreciate you staying on top of things.” He held up two pieces of what looked like thick cardstock and handed them to Ephrim. “The menu for the dinner. You and your boyfriend will have to mark what you want and make sure we get them back by tomorrow. We figured this would be the best way to avoid any mix ups and provide any notes about dietary restrictions.”

Ephrim mentally filed this under “Things That Could Have Been An Email.” 

”Sounds great! I’ll give this to Throndir tonight, then.” He tucked them into his laptop bag, making sure they were secure in a side pocket before going to unlock his computer. Samothes nodded, apparently satisfied with his answer. But he still hovered awkwardly, forcing Ephrim back into conversation mode. “Is there...anything else I can help you with?”

“Honestly, I’m still just very surprised that you have a significant other. I mean no offense by that, simply that you’ve never talked about him before. How long exactly have the two of you been together?”

Ah, there it was. Foolish of him to assume that the invasive questions wouldn’t start until they were all at the dinner, but apparently making Ephrim discuss his private life on the clock was the only thing on his boss’ agenda today. Something he knew couldn’t possibly be the case, considering his assistant Hadrian kept a very tight schedule. Possibly, this was a ploy to figure out if he was lying to get out of dating his son. Which, he _was_ , but Samothes didn’t need to know that. But instead the man wanted to waste both their time on small petty gossip. Briefly, he wished he’d transferred to Samot’s department when he’d had the chance. 

“We’ve been dating for two years now, actually.”

He was visibly surprised by that information. “Two years. And yet no pictures on your desk or anything? You’ve never even mentioned him before.”

Ephrim gestured to his incredibly bare desk. “I don’t really have any personal effects, pictures of my boyfriend wouldn’t be much different. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I am an incredibly private person. I’ve probably mentioned him a time or two, but never in detail. To be fair, you wouldn’t even have known that Hadrian and I know each other outside of work if he hadn't said anything about it.” 

“That is true.” Samothes laughed. “Well, I suppose I can’t expect everyone to be as open about their relationships as my husband and I. I look forward to meeting your- Throndir, was it? Yes, Throndir, in a few days.”

“Yep, it’ll be great.” 

The minute his boss left, Ephrim whipped out his phone and scrolled down to “Smokey.” _You’ll never guess what the hell just happened to me. Tbf idrk what happened either. Also happy 2 years babe [kiss emoji]._

\---

“You need a better coat rack, Eph. And to talk to our friends more.”

“You need to knock before you come in.”

Ephrim already had a cup of tea in the Abomination set out on the table, not bothering to look out of the kitchen to see what was going on. The tell-tale squeak of a chair getting pulled out told him he’d been right to make tea. He was focusing on not absent-mindedly hitting his prosthetic as he julienned the bok choy. 

“If you wanted me to knock you wouldn’t’ve given me a key. Do you check your phone at all? I know that’s funny coming from me but our friends have been blowing mine up.”

“It’s been on Do Not Disturb all day, I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, why?”

“They’re all outraged that we’ve been dating for the past two years and told no one. Apparently Hadrian told Hella, Hella told Lem, and Lem told...everyone. Adaire texted me and said ‘thanks for winning me $600.’”

“I can’t believe they were betting on us and didn’t even open the pot to us. We could have made some serious coin.” 

Throndir shuffled into the kitchen, hooking his chin over Ephrim’s shoulder. He tried not to stiffen at the unexpected touch, tried not to lean back into it, tried not to lose himself in the sensation of breath brushing past his ear. The knife stilled. 

“You aren’t even a little bit surprised that our friends were _betting_ on us?”

“Not really. Have you seen the two of us?”

Throndir laughed and pulled back. “Fair enough. What are you making?”

“Coconut curry salmon.” He turned around, surprised to see Throndir still so close to him. The man’s always been comfortable with closeness, but the proximity left Ephrim pressed up against the counter. “And before I forget, Samothes gave me _menus_ to fill out and bring back tomorrow. Do you have any dietary restrictions I should know about?”

“Mmmmmm. Pine nuts. But other than that it’s fine. Where are they, I can fill them out for us while you cook.” 

It was tantalizingly domestic. 

Maybe this had been a mistake.

\---

Ephrim got an email the morning of the dinner from the shop telling him the suit was ready for pick up, which he relayed to Throndir, letting him know he’d meet him at the shop. He spent a while debating, but decided to pull out the dry cleaning bag that his own suit was in, hanging it carefully in the car. Remembering that Kodiak was going to be riding with them in the evening, he made a mental note to pick up a lint roller as well. He also stopped for coffee, one for him, one for Throndir, and one for Tender as a paltry offering of his thanks for the miracle she performed. She smiled at him gratefully when he offered the cup, taking a deep drink before saying anything to him. Ephrim waited patiently, entirely understanding of the need. 

“This piece is a testament to my skill, willpower. To the fact that I am unstoppable and that not even God could nerf me.” She noted the bag draped over his arm. “Did you bring your suit too?”

“Yeah, I thought it would be nice to compare the colors together, now that everythings been settled. Here, let me just-” He set the coffee tray on the counter and unzipped the bag, revealing the deep maroon of his suit. He had zero interest in actually putting it on, but the approving noise Tender brought a smile to his face. Good to know his fashion sense was still impeccable. “This also might help with finding an actual decent tie. What do you think?”

She tapped her chin, considering the fabric. “I think I’ve got something for the both of you,, actually. How do you feel about a little more coordination? I’ve got something I think you’ll like. Throndir will probably like them too, but he seems like the kind of guy that would be happy in a burlap sack if it meant he got to be with you. Why don’t you come wait in the fitting area for your boytoy to get here and I’ll find those ties for you.”

Ephrim struggled to contain a splutter, fumbling with the zipper on the bag as she sashayed away. The tape measurer hanging around her neck swung like a tail, and he felt intrinsically that he was being mocked by it, her, and maybe life itself. Luckily, the fitting room chairs were actually comfortable. 

Throndir swooped in not too long after, looking very frazzled and accompanied by a panting Kodiak. He leaned down and dropped a kiss on Ephrim’s head as he reached over to grab his coffee out of the holder next to him. “I’m so sorry I’m late, is this for me? Thanks. I got held up at the station and totally lost track of time. Fero says hi by the way. Hopefully I didn’t miss anything too important.”

“Uh, uh.” Eloquent as ever. “No, no you didn’t. It’s- Tender and I were talking about finding you a tie that matched my suit.”

“And I found one! Two, actually. I’d like to note, once more, that I am the best. Thronidr, there’s a bag hanging in stall 2, go put that on for me please. I want to do some last minute checks, and then I’ll stop pinning you in the leg, promise. Ephrim, look at these and tell me what you think.”

She thrust the ties in his face. One matched the color of his suit, one Throndir’s, and both had delicately embroidered flowers in the others’ colors. They were perfect, and he said so. “How did you even find something like this?”

“As much as I’d like to say I performed another miracle and made these out of scratch in an instant, these were actually part of a collection that didn’t really take off so we had them tucked away in the back. So?”

“Add them to the tab, absolutely. I love them. Have I told you you’re amazing yet?”

“Alright, you guys ready to see this? I’m pretty sure this is as good as it’s gonna get.” He stepped out into full view, and if the first time Ephrim had seen this look on him had been a sucker punch, this one put him in the ground. The suit was magnificent, tailored perfectly even after only one fitting, and the way the fabric clung to Throndir should have been illegal. Ephrim was intensely aware that Throndir was looking to him for a response.“Well? Thoughts? Opinions? Comments, questions, concerns?”

“Iiiiiiiiii-” Ephrim was too occupied with trying to avoid accidentally crushing the flimsy coffee cup in his hand to form a coherent thought. 

“Close your mouth lover boy you’ll catch flies.” Tender tapped him on the shoulder before beckoning the man over. “Alright come here Throndir, let’s make sure everything is still sitting right.” 

“You’re the boss. Work your witchy ways on this thing. Also, I know you guys think I need a tie, but do I _really_? I feel like it’s fine without one.”

“You have to wear a tie.” “The tie isn’t optional.”

“I don’t even know how to tie one. I’ve got a clip-on I guess, but-”

“You are not wearing a clip-on tie to this. I’ll help you tie yours but you have to wear a real one, no ifs ands or buts about it.”

“You’re the worst.” Throndir stuck his tongue out in an incredibly mature display of displeasure. “Can’t believe I left my hermitage for this bullshit. This sucks.”

“Calm down _Fero_ , it’s not the end of the world.”

“Says you. You like these things.”

“There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance.” 

“You’re full of shit.”

“I know.” 

“Terrible, terrible little man. Gremlin brat man. You’re so lucky I love you.”

“.....yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> as always, comments and constructive criticism are appreciated, and i can be found [here](https://theunacceptablepylades.tumblr.com/) on tumblr and [@frabjousgay](https://twitter.com/frabjousgay) on twitter
> 
> also nathaniel drew [throndir with the mug](https://twitter.com/freyquinn/status/1353832047589150722?s=20) and i LOVE IT


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